Don’t “Do You.” Be You.
What does it mean to “be yourself?” On any given day, we may cycle through a few “selves” as we navigate different parts of our life (work, kids, partners, etc), leaving us unsure as to where exactly we begin and other people end. This feeling can be uncomfortable, causing us to anxiously attach to a particular version of ourselves that we believe others approve of at the expense of sharing a fuller version of ourselves we fear may not be acceptable.
In our quest to be pleasing to ourselves and to others, we may end up role playing an idealized version of ourselves even when it doesn’t feel congruent for us. In these moments, we are not being ourselves. We are performing ourselves. We are either giving the other person what we think they want or we are hiding parts of ourselves of which we feel embarrassed. Neither helps us grow. When we are performing ourselves, we are not truly and spontaneously present because we are lost in our minds, scanning the other person’s reactions and figuring out how to respond in a way that will garner approval and let parts of us stay hidden. In our current “you do you, boo” era, there is a sense that we each should pick our personalilty and wear it as something separate from us—as a role we carefully cultivate and play rather than as an embodied spontaneous expression of who we are. This role playing leaves us feeling detached and unseen though, leading to apathy and a fear that nothing really means anything.
In this new year, set an intention to explore “being you” rather than “doing you.” Commit to letting yourself be seen as who you are in this moment rather than as how you would like to be seen. This letting go is scary because it involves risk! It involves facing a fear of being rejected and of being responsible for your particular place in this world. It requires that we really explore all parts of ourselves and assume responsibility for our lives. This is a worthwhile pursuit though because if we are always contorting ourselves into what (we think) others want us to be, we really aren’t honoring our own gifts and what we specifically can contribute to the world around us. Everyone has something unique to contribute. Everyone has their own unique signature. Stepping into that can be completely overwhelming, but it is necessary if we want to live lives that feel connected, true, and that cultivate love.
Opening ourselves in this way can take time. The first step is to simply become aware of where we are performing ourselves rather than embodying ourselves. Maybe you notice yourself agreeing with someone outwardly but not inwardly. Noticing this and taking a second to simply observe that you are not acting congruently will set change in motion. Simply witnessing this over and over will begin to change you. You do not have to do anything more than this to start transformation.
Often, we feel embarrassed or ashamed about where we are in life, and this shame gets in the way of our growth because we try to hide our “flaws”. If we are hiding though, we cannot evolve, nor can we encourage others through our example to step into the light. We need to remember in those moments when we feel scared that life is about experiencing and growing, not about maintaining an idealized image of ourselves. Life comes with plenty of mess ups! It’s all just the game of life. Learn to let yourself be human and accept where you are in your journey. Be willing to let your version of who you are grow and change over time as your values and experiences change. The key is not to get attached to one way of seeing yourself, but to instead be aware of your “self” as always evolving. When we make this shift in perspective, we do not have to be embarrassed of places where we feel we fall short, knowing we are here precisely to fail again and fail better on our path to greater awareness. Developing self-awareness and acceptance and cultivating a rich inner life are steps on the road to peace.
Ask yourself today: Am I carrying myself through my day in a way that feels grounded in my center and leaves me feeling congruent or am I manipulating myself into pretzels to please others and hide myself?