Alcoholic Family Systems

In alcoholic family systems, it is typically the case that the black sheep of the family is the healthiest in the family system. It is also typically the case that the black sheep of the family believes they are the most mentally ill. Why is this?

Families where alcoholism or addiction are active and unprocessed require everyone in the family to adhere to a “code of silence.” No one is allowed to speak the truth for fear of upsetting the alcoholic/addict. No one is allowed to speak the truth because to do so would mean having to acknowledge how sick the family system is. Truth is drive underground in place of codependency, passive aggressiveness, and communication through manipulation. Those identified as the “black sheep” of the family become so because they are unwilling or unable (or both) to exist in such a contradictory environment.

They do not understand why the truth cannot simply be spoken and processed.

Symptoms begin to develop as the black sheep is aware on one level of a deep truth while having to pretend on another level that the truth is not true. This extreme dissonance leads to self-doubt and disconnection: from one’s emotional world, from other people, and from the larger world. Because the environment requires the lie for survival (at least, it feels this way growing up), the black sheep begins to believe they are sick rather than the family system itself. Over time, they do actually become sick due to an inability to speak openly and honestly and because of the confusion over what is true and not true.

As they begin to move into truth and heal, black sheep of the family may be ostracized, made fun of, or dismissed by other members of the family. This can initially exacerbate symptoms as the pain of being rejected is experienced. This pain can only be avoided by continuing to live the lie of the family system, which is no longer tolerable and the cause of distress.

It is important to remember during these times that this rejection by the family system is founded upon a stack of lies. Anyone speaking directly and honestly is a threat to this house of cards. Processing the pain and grief, staying committed to truth despite the discomfort, and showing up for oneself despite family rejection is difficult but allows the black sheep to see that being the outsider was always their saving grace.

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Dr. J