Building Initiative and Courage in Kids
Parenting is hard. On an average day—without a seemingly endless global pandemic, school closures, and rising mental health issues in kids—parenting can be overwhelming. When you throw all of our contemporary crises into the mix, it isn’t surprising that parents are stressed, nervous, and concerned about their kids. And if all of that isn’t enough, parenting advice and books are often contradictory, leaving parents even more confused and anxious.
When I work with parents, my first question is always: Tell me what kind of child you hope to raise. What values and characteristics do you hope to see flourish in your child? While the answers vary depending on the individual, they typically include things such as: kindness, honesty, resilience, courage, creativity, intelligence, curiosity, and independence. And happiness, of course, Parents want their kids to experience joy and grow into happy adults. They are concerned by the increasing number of headlines signaling the rising mental health crises in kids and teens, and they want to know how to parent in such a way as to prevent their children from becoming another statistic.
While this is certainly a complex question that must take into account each child’s individuality, the single biggest contributor to distress in children and teens I see today is overprotective, anxious parenting that assumes children are inherently fragile rather than inherently resilient. This type of parenting is almost always well-intentioned and derives from parents’ desire to keep children safe, but unfortunately, our society has gone overboard. Parents have increasingly come to see danger everywhere— identifying normal, necessary developmental risks as “dangerous”—and often responding to these perceived “dangers” by anxiously increasing their oversight of kids. The result is that the very things parents are doing in the name of safety often end up producing children who lack initiative, are anxious and depressed, and who struggle with social relationships. While it is certainly important that kids are safe, we need to ask: At what cost? Why have we become unable to tolerate even the slightest of risks necessary for growth and development, and how can parents prevent their own anxieties from spilling over onto the kiddos?
Remember the story of the bubble boy? The one whose mother was so terrified of anything happening to her son that she encased him in a protective bubble that wouldn’t allow him to be part of the outside world? We have become a “bubble boy” culture when it comes to parenting, and this is having disastrous results for children and teens.
Some common examples I see of anxious parenting:
Never allowing children to be alone / constant monitoring of kids and teens.
Never saying “no” to a child. Overexplaining things to school-aged children rather than simply acting as the adult who makes the decisions.
Always supervising children’s play (adult-directed play) rather than letting children engage in child-directed play.
Speaking for children rather than encouraging them to speak for themselves to others in social situations (such as ordering for your school-aged children at a restaurant rather than encouraging them to do so on their own).
Not allowing school-aged children to spend short times alone at home (such as when mom or dad runs to the store).
Not allowing children to play outside on their own (I can already hear you, “but they’ll be kidnapped!” Did you know less than 100 kids are abducted by strangers per year?)
Indulging your child’s desire to always be with you rather than encouraging separation and “alone” time (Children aged 5-7 may want to spend ALL of their time with you, but they need to begin separating and learning independence around this age). They need your gentle push.
Interfering in arguments between school-aged children (and teens) rather than letting kids learn how to navigate conflict themselves (except in cases of extreme bullying).
There’s a theme here, I think… Children need time to be alone, without adult supervision! They need time to navigate social relationships without adult interference, time to develop their imagination without having every moment scripted by an adult, and they need to try things and fail/succeed so they develop confidence in their abilities and learn how to sometimes lose. Many of the teens I see today are terrified of the world and lack any sense of initiative. Almost always, this can be traced back to not being encouraged and allowed to experiment for themselves from a young age. They, quite literally, have never learned how to engage with the world on their own. Additionally, they lack the skills to self-soothe because they have never had to do so, protected as they have been from tough situations. This recognition as they age often leads teens to feel profoundly ashamed, embarrassed, and discouraged.
If we want children to feel secure in the world and grow into independent, courageous, and curious adults, it is important that adults contain their own anxieties and pull back from constant monitoring and overprotective, anxious parenting. When we step back and do not do everything for children, it is cool to see how quickly they grow curious and try things on their own! Over time, this builds confidence and character as children begin to understand what they need to do to accomplish things in the world. They learn to trust themselves through the trust you give them as a parent. This trust often creates a better relationship between parent and child and helps kids develop good social relationships. Self-directed activity also helps children develop greater attentional capacities and imagination that will help them in school. They learn through experience, by making mistakes, and through navigating difficult and uncomfortable situations. When this path to growth is short-circuited for kids by well-meaning adults, it often leads to stunted growth in multiple domains of their lives.
One of the keys to good parenting is walking the line between protecting children and teens while also letting them explore the world on their own. Risk is inherent in life, and pretending otherwise sets kids up for a life where they are constantly scared, anxious, and unable to act. The truth is that kids are far more hearty than we give them credit for these days. They are not inherently fragile, but anxious parenting often results in creating this fragility in them. It handicaps their natural curiosity and does not give them the necessary tools they need for life. Perhaps they are “safer” (though I would argue not), but they are miserable with little desire to really engage with the world.
Here are a few ways to begin to move from an anxious parenting style to one grounded in trust:
Let your child engage in free, child-directed play every day. Do not set up activities for them or plan their time. This may be difficult for some children at first. Don’t intervene! Let them figure out ways to entertain themselves. They may initially push back and not know what to do, but if you don’t step in, they will learn! This is the key to building initiative. It stretches their little brains. (No screens or video games during this time. Let them entertain themselves rather than be entertained by the lull of a screen.)
If you hear your child arguing with another child when playing, don’t step in! This is a tough one, I know, but it’s necessary. Kids are mean to one another sometimes (so are adults)! They need the space to figure it out for themselves. It builds communication, self-soothing, conflict resolution, and a host of other things necessary to create social comfort and a sense that one can manage relationships. It may be hard for you to witness, but don’t interfere unless absolutely necessary.
Allow your children to play outside, on their own. This is, of course, age-specific. A three-year-old is obviously not able to play outside alone, but a seven-year-old is! If you feel nervous, you can keep an eye on them through the window, but don’t let them see you! Remember: you are trying to exhibit trust in your child’s abilities and support their exploration. Knowing you trust them helps them develop self-trust, self-knowledge and awareness. The same goes for teens. STOP monitoring your 17-year-old via a phone app. If they don’t think you trust them, how are they ever going to trust themselves? Give your teen some space to grow into independence.
Hold boundaries with your younger children, even when they push back. This is super important for kids between ages four to nine-ish. If you tell them it is “alone” time, and they keep wanting to cling to you, start the timer over until they play the set amount of time on their own. Remember: like baby birds, kids sometimes have to be pushed out of the nest. They don’t yet know their capabilities, so you have to show encourage them to do the scary thing of separating from you so they can discover them! After a handful of pushes, they’ll naturally gravitate toward self-play. It’s a young child’s job to want to stay connected to you all the time (that feels safe!). It is the parent’s job to encourage age-healthy separation. (This often means having to deal with your own separation anxiety from your child.)
Do your own work around your anxiety. Talk to friends. Enter therapy. Take deep breaths, but whatever you do, try to contain your anxiety around letting your child play and explore freely. Kids pick up on adults’ feelings quickly. If you are anxious, they will be anxious. More importantly, they will try to make you feel less anxious, perhaps by curtailing their own natural curiosities and exploration. Kids shouldn’t parent their parents! Remember: You are the grownup. You are responsible for not projecting your anxiety onto your child.
Yes, parenting is hard. BUT, if you commit to building trust with your child early on, it has the potential to be a bit easier. It also generally leads to kids who develop self-will and perseverance. This is associated with happier teens who then turn into successful adults. Trust is the key here. Yes, tracking your teen’s every move may satiate your anxiety, but what does it do for your teen? What message are you sending when you don’t trust them to increasingly regulate their own activities? When you track them all of the time, you are telling them you do not believe they are capable of taking care of themselves in the world. Are they going to mess up sometimes, disappoint you, and do something they are not supposed to? Yep! It’s important they experience this because they learn how to make choices and decisions and how to deal with the consequences of their choices. This is how a sense of agency develops and how character continues to be formed. Teens need to feel free to make choices on their own so they can navigate this difficult developmental task while still at home.
Trust them first. Start there. Start with trust.
Trust that, as young kids, they are curious and resilient rather than fragile. Trust that, as teens, they need to make some mistakes on their own to grow into maturity and independence. Trust that, as a parent, if you love them, spend time with them, and let them have free space of their own to figure out the world, they will. Kids don’t want to live in a bubble. Let’s not place them there because of our own fears. Let’s give them the experiences, trust, and tools they need to live in this complex world.
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*For more information and suggestions for ways to let go of anxious parenting, I highly recommend the Let Grow organization:
https://letgrow.org/