Deepening Your Self-Awareness in the New Year
It’s the first week back at work and school post-holidays. New Year’s resolutions have been set. Dry January has commenced. Gym memberships purchased. That devil “sugar” done away with. We’ve committed to our goals and are sticking to ‘em this year! Or so it seems, at least for the first two weeks…
Making (and breaking) New Year’s resolutions is tradition for many of us. We roll into the new year full of promises to ourselves about how we are going to do “better” this year than last, and we often claim that THIS year is when it’s really going to happen. Most people start off determined and with good intentions, only to find commitment lagging once the reality of what is required to achieve those resolutions sets in. We often then find ourselves rebelling against the very resolutions we set for ourselves, saying things like, “I don’t have to do anything I don’t want to!” or “Who said being fit is important anyway?” We often seem to forget that we are the ones that made the commitment to begin with! We then give up, indulging in whatever limitation it was we had set for ourselves, only to later spiral into feelings of guilt for not adhering to our goals.
So it goes with New Year’s resolutions. Why do we do this to ourselves? Why do we engage in this punitive cycle that, more often not, leaves us feeling dejected and defeated? There are, of course, complex reasons for why we set ourselves up for defeat and often feel more comfortable feeling bad about ourselves than feeling good, but one of the biggest reasons New Year’s resolutions are often short-lived is because they are borne out of guilt. Have you ever noticed that resolutions typically involve some sort of restriction? A few common examples:
This year, I will lose weight!
This year, I will exercise more and get in shape!
This year, I will stop spending so much money!
This year, I will take better care of myself!
Most of these types of resolutions originate in the guilt we feel about the previous two months of eating, drinking, and merry-making we have indulged in. We often can only allow ourselves to really enjoy the holiday season by promising ourselves that we will deprive ourselves in January. We tell ourselves around Thanksgiving that we’ll “let ourselves go” for the holidays because, in January, IT’S ON! Questions aside about why we can’t seem to just let ourselves enjoy the holidays without the punishment we swear we will enact on ourselves in the new year, let’s think about this.
Is there a better way to enter the New Year? One that may allow us to actually be successful and not fall into the cycle of setting a goal, failing, punishing ourselves, and then doing it all over again? What is the point of New Year’s resolutions anyway?
If we can reframe what the purpose of resolutions are, perhaps we can actually engage in a process that helps us deepen our connection to ourselves and to our true desires. Resolutions, by their nature, tend to close things off. “I resolve I will not do X anymore!” The problem is, they rarely open us up! At the beginning of a new year, we are most filled with the wonder of what might happen in this new year. This wonder is what tends to disappear as the year goes on (and is often what is most missing from our daily lives), so why not take advantage of it while it is at its peak? Why not engage in some New Year’s questions that may stimulate you to think and feel more deeply about what you want your life to really be?
Really spending time with a question—sitting with it, spinning it around in your head, talking to friends about it, reading books pertaining to your question, and so on—has the potential to EXPAND your world and invite things in that perhaps you had never thought of. Rather than focusing on one goal (that likely originated in guilty feelings of some sort anyway), why not instead try spending “Dry January” deep diving into some tough and stimulating questions that may help you get to know parts of yourself that are a complete mystery to you? .
Here are a few of my favorites:
Where in my life am I not pursuing a desire that I once said was really important to me?
Am I showing up in my relationship(s)?
Am I courageously using my voice to speak my truth when I need to, even if it means I make someone else uncomfortable?
Am I controlling others’ behaviors to avoid my own discomfort?
Am I making sure to expose myself to discomfort so that I can grow? Am I exposing myself to a variety of viewpoints?
Are there places I am sitting in resentment because I am too scared to ask for what I really need (and therefore blaming the other person)?
Am I giving to others or only taking? Am I making a point of being of service to others regularly?
When I do give, am I giving to receive or am I truly just giving?
Is my communication direct or is it meant to manipulate someone into feeling the way I want them to feel or acting the way I think they should act?
Am I taking time for myself or exhausting myself by constantly giving to others? If the latter, why do I need to feel needed in this way by others? Where am I not taking responsibility for my relational and communication patterns?
How can I bring more creativity into my life on a daily basis? Why do I not make certain I am doing this on a daily basis?
Do I know my own mind? Do I trust myself to follow it?
If we approach questions like this from a place of curiosity rather than judgment, we can really tap into our true hopes and goals for our lives. You can choose one question or several, but spend these quiet winter months courageously diving inward so that you can begin to know yourself better. As we become more self-aware, we simultaneously grow more aware of others and the complexity of being human. Developing self-awareness allows us to increasingly still our minds so that we can show up for ourselves and for others in a way that makes this world a calmer and brighter place rather than one filled with anger and violence.
This New Years do a deep inward dive. Be curious about yourself and be brave enough to admit that we are often complete mysteries to ourselves! Far from being terrifying, what an incredible thing to realize and accept because it means there is endless wonder.
Happy New Year to you,
X
J